OK, So I Didn't Get Elected Pope . . . Speaking of Motivation by BS

What I'm about to say may surprise some of

you. And I'm sure it will absolutely astonish the

traditional news media. But I'm starting to think

I have a real shot at being nominated to the

Supreme Court. Apparently, I'm well thought of

in extremely high places.



A while back, in fact, I received a message

on my voice mail informing me that I had just

been nominated to serve on the Republican

Presidential Committee. Would I please call their

toll free number immediately? When I called and

asked who had nominated me, the woman who took

the call told me that the nomination had come

from the Republican Congressional Committee. And

I didn't realize those people even knew that I

was alive.



"So who on the committee nominated me?" I

wondered.



The woman wasn't sure. She did know that the

committee thought it would be invaluable if a key

national business leader like myself would lend

his name and agree to serve.



"You know I never thought of myself as a key

national business leader," I said.



"Well, that's the way we think of you here."



WOW.



She explained that there would be no time

commitment, so exactly what my service might

entail was a little vague. But there would be a

press release, announcing my appointment to my

local paper. And agreeing to serve would give me

a chance to meet top Republicans like the Speaker

of the House, "perhaps even President Bush," and

give them my thoughts. So I'd have access to them

on the issues that concerned my business.



They'd also appreciate it if I could

contribute from $300 to $500.



"But if I can't come up with a contribution

just now," I said, "I can still lend my name to

the cause and be on the committee and meet

President Bush, right?"



"No." No amplification, just a flat no.



"So my name won't help you without the

money?"



"We need your name AND the money."



"But without the money you won't use my

name."



"Are you a Democrat?" she asked

suspiciously.



"Would the Republican Congressional

Committee nominate a Democrat to serve on the

Republican Presidential Committee?"



That's when she hung up. I'm not sure how

that might affect my status on the committee. I

expect I'll hear from President Bush himself in

the next couple of days. We key national business

leaders shouldn't be wasting our time dealing

with subordinates anyway.



Now in fairness, I'm not sure the

Democrats' fundraising strategies would be any

better (if they had anything to sell). And I

should mention that the Republicans have

apparently now scrapped these Republican

Presidential Committee phone calls. Nowadays,

according to ABC News, they're calling "key

business leaders" and telling them that they have

been nominated for something called "the National

Leadership Award." It's every bit as good a deal

as the Presidential Committee, just $300 to $500.



And you may already be a winner.